I'm slack as hell doing my 2011 movie year in review, so here it is.

Top Ten -
1. Drive
2. Hannah
3. Source Code
4. X-Men: First Class
5. Bellflower
6. Love
7.  50/50
8. Contagion
9. Captain America: The First Avenger
10. The Adjustment Bureau


Sorry I Missed -
- Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy
- A Dangerous Method
- Melancholia
- Shame
- The Debt
- The Devils Double

Massive Disappointment -
- Battle: Los Angeles 

Disposition: Entertained Summary: movies

Last night I dreamt that I was driving on the highway when a storm warning came on the radio.  I suddenly found myself near an airport as the tornado touched down.  I tried to outrun the tornado, but it chased the car and soon I found that I was driving in the calm center of the funnel.  I had to head home to my dogs and a woman, all of whom were in danger, but I knew that as I drove home I brought the funnel with me.  I returned home and the woman, who was my partner though she had no identity, had already rushed the dogs into the basement room where she had food and a bed set up.  We hid there together for a long time, each holding the dogs and hugging them tight to calm them with deep pressure.  I believe the house was torn down, yet our room remained. 

Summary: dreams

Few days ago someone asked me my opinion of the following article - http://lewrockwell.com/reed/reed212.html

This is my paragraph by paragraph react to this fairly over the top slam piece.

First paragraph - I think I see where this is going...

Second - Well holy fuck, this guy is narrow-minded and really pushing his own perspective without even attempting to see the opposing view points or even the facts involved. If this continues I'm going to assume this is a piece of pure manipulative trash.

Third - What.

Fourth - Yup, those were some words.

Fifth - The author shows that he has no idea what "indiscriminately" means, nor does he know anything about the behavior of feral dogs.

Sixth - Ah huh....does the author realize that this is an all volunteer army and that many of these men re-enlist? 

Seventh - Oh, here he begins to establish himself as the "man" who can see the faults of "men" because blanket statements about males is an easy red herring to get over in pseudo-political babble. This guy is actually exposing his own psychological issues for the world to see, largely his over inflated ego and sense of his own magnificence. 

Eighth - This guy might be able to make a decent point if he didn't get so wrapped with smug and condescending superiority and his overwhelming desire to show the world how fucking smart he thinks he is.

Ninth - Here the author fails to understand the events which he is attempting to speak about. If you don't know about dogs, don't talk about dogs. If you don't know about war (or politics) don't talk about war. Also, I'm now ready to label this a manipulation piece. 

Tenth - SAT word, check. Here the author ignores the effect Vietnam had on the U.S. psyche, which is why we now favor quick and overwhelming battles as opposed to protracted wars. Point in fact, it took a rather appalling attack on U.S. civilians on U.S. soil to get the people to marginally accept a drawn out war. The killing of U.S. service men, attacks on diplomats, attacks on allies, genocide, and unprovoked aggression were not enough to get the U.S. to commit to protracted war between 1973 and 2001.

Eleventh - I'd love to sit and watch a carrier perform it's daily operations, I'm sure it's amazing. I wonder if the author knows that those 20 year old boys on the carrier deck aren't the ones making the decision to go to war and most of the men (of his generation, I'd point out) who DO make those decisions have never and will never set foot on an aircraft carrier of the United States Navy. Also, this paragraph lacks any point at all and if removed from the essay would have no effect on the essay, therefore making it pure mind-wanking fat.

Twelfth - This man needs a fucking editor.

Thirteenth - For fucks sake. Can we please stop blaming institutions and ideas for the actions of people. Militaries cannot learn because militaries are not creatures, there are collections of people. The PEOPLE may choose to ignore history and the PEOPLE may be incapable of learning, but the MILITARY is not guilty of either, no more so than the fork is incapable of learning to behave like a spoon.

Fourteenth - This is the closest he has come to making a point so far. Yes, esprit de corps does involve simple slogans and statements that make the soldier feel proud. To the best of my understanding all teams do this so I suppose it's one of those "human" problems we all have.

Fifteenth - Merge this with your last paragraph, asshole.

Sixteenth - And the Navy once spent a boat load of cash studying how a frisbee flies. The Pentagon spent (if I remember correctly) over a million dollars studying uniforms only to come to the conclusion that men and women need different uniforms because they are shaped differently. This guy is amazing.

Seventeenth - YouTube. Camera Phones. Blogs. We are more hooked in and wired up to see the face of war now than we have ever been. Someone get grandpa his hot tea, he's up past his bed time (ooooo, ad hominem attack on the author's age, I'm so witty and vitriolic!). 

Eighteenth - Please do. Hoorah.

Disposition: pissed off Summary: military, politics, society

I'm having trouble starting this, which is why you're getting a stream of consciousness sentence here. I usually have trouble with the ending, but this time I can't start, which is a shame because Love is really very good and I feel compelled to tell you about it. I imagine in the coming days there will be a lot of divisive reviews out about the film and I doubt that in this one showing it will have found its audience. Love is challenging, unconventional, and sadly it's also not without its flaws. These flaws, I fear, will ultimately sink the film and relegate it to the status of an oddity mostly known to fans of the band who produced the film, Angels and Airwaves. Love only got this one showing which was broadcast live from Boston to nearly 500 theaters nationwide. After the show there was some music and a question and answer session featuring the director, the star and the producer.

My fear going into Love was that it was going to turn out to merely be a 90 minute music video, thankfully it was not. The show was preceded by four "vignettes" that were exactly that though, despite Tom DeLonge, the producer, assuring us that they played into the greater meaning of the film; by and large they did not and each one suffered for the pop music played over it. Once the film started though all of the pop music stopped and the band that was featured so prominently in the advertising delivered a pretty haunting neo-prog rock sound for the film, which I found enjoyable.  The production value was amazing, especially when you consider that the whole thing was purportedly done on a half a million dollars. The Civil War scenes that open the movie, and pepper the film throughout, were beautifully shot and set a very melancholy tone for the film, which it would follow until the end.

Love flirts with themes that are recognizable from The Fountain and 2001: A Space Odyssey (the ending of Love very much reminds me of 2001, though its meaning seems almost a counter argument to the ending of 2001) but is ultimately its own creature. The film never quite gets as deep as I'd have liked, but what it does bring it brings with a real passion. Gunner Wright sells the main character, the stranded astronaut Lee Miller, all the way; he's believable, likable, sympathetic and ultimately very human and relatable. Wright handles the deeply emotional struggle that Miller under goes as his sanity slowly slips away with as even a hand as he handles the light humor which is sprinkled in his characters hopeless story. The subtly with which Wright plays the slow fading of Millers mind is brilliant, too often actors go big and broad and start chewing every bit of scenery around when they portray a descent into madness, but Wright plays it close and quiet giving the entire performance an authenticity it might otherwise lack.

The film really only suffers from the obvious comparison to 2001: A Space Odyssey that it will face and as I said before it didn't dig quite deep enough, leaving many of the details the audience will be wanting completely out of the film.  Again, I think the similarities to 2001 serve to present a very different end and also the lack of answers keeps us invested in the story of Lee Miller and seeing things from his point of view, as if we were sitting silently alongside him.  The film is split into chapters, each one beginning with a new character that we don't see before and after the segment being interviewed about life, human contact, and interconnectivity and while these may seem heavy handed, the ultimate goal of the film allows them to be woven in without it distracting the audience.  It is also worth noting that the actors portraying the interviewees are so authentic in their performances I was left wondering if they were actors at all (one man even seems to stutter and need time to collect himself, a common stutter exercise, before continuing).  The title of the film becomes clearer and clearer as we go on and see how Lee is longing for companionship, but it is a voice over during the end credits that delivers the coup de grace.  I was deeply touched by the sentiment, which rang very true to me; I'll be interested to see if this voice over is included on the home video version of the film.

Sadly, the rest of the show wasn't much to write home about.  Angels and Airwaves performed a few songs live and poor Tom DeLonge sounded terrible as he tried to sing the lyrics.  He was so bad I felt actual sympathy for the guy, like when you see one of those utterly horrid singers on American Idol trying so hard and just failing miserably.  Apparently they just need a guitar and some studio mixing and then they can be in Blink 182.  The Q&A section was a vapid as one might expect, with a majority of the questions going to DeLonge who really had very little to do with the making of the film.  Gunner Wright was mostly superfluous during this segment and when he finally did get a really good question that he could talk at length on, the camera guy decided to play footage from the "making of " videos that director William Eubank made over Wrights answer.  After the Q&A ended Angels and Airwaves new music video played and the song sounded pretty much like the one(s?) that played over the vignettes.  

If those of us who saw the film tonight made enough of an impact to get the film a wide release (and if the theater I saw it in was any indication, we did no such thing) I hope some of you will pry yourselves away from the mainstream long enough to see this little sci-fi film with the big heart.  It's not perfect, but for my money it was a damn good time and I feel very lucky to have seen it on the big screen.

Disposition: pleased Summary: movies

As many Americans rejoice in the news of Osama bin Laden's death I can't help but feel as though we've cheated ourselves out of a better justice. Merely killing the man responsible for so many crimes rings hollow and unsatisfying to me. I think he should have faced trial in each and every country that was subjected to an al-Qaeda attack and as he was found guilty in each, one after the other, he'd see how pointless all of his endeavor had been. While sitting alone in a prison cell with no one to venerate him, no one to feed his ego, he'd begin to fade. His poor health would consume him long before we brought him to execution, most likely. The quick death he received, the battlefield execution, all of that simply gives him a quick out. He never had to face any real justice, he was just stamped out of existence, which isn't in itself an undesirable outcome, I simply think it's the short form version of a better and more satisfying justice.

Either way, after today I'll likely think on him very little. I hope the sea life finds better use for him than those of us here on this earth did.

Just before posting this, I was informed that May 1st is also the day that Hitler's death was announced. Something to think on.

Disposition: contemplative Summary: news, politics, society

You know The List, the one everyone has. For married people it's their exception list, the one that allows them to cheat on each other guilt free, while for the bachelor it's merely the list of women they want to...get to know. Well this is my list, enjoy.

5. Samantha Morton - A lovely British actress who has dazzled me in everything I've seen her in.



4. Mariana (or Camila) Dávalos - God was so pleased with this idea, he made two of them.



3. Jane Goldman - British television host and Hollywood screenwriter.



2. Scarlett Johansson - American actress who pairs amazing looks with some pretty great film roles.



1. Christina Hendricks - American television actress and Esquire's Sexiest Woman Alive. Yes, yes indeed.

Disposition: excited Summary: internet, women

So I started college today. For all of my adult life I've tried to avoid it but never-the-less I ended up there. Partly for the education, partly to show the invisible people in my head I could do it, and partly just to spite anyone who ever thought they might be better than me because of some worthless degree. Also, partly to make more money.

Now that I'm there, now that I've walked to class and navigated a campus jumping with life and teeming people (very young people, but still people, technically) I'm totally in love with it. I want to immerse myself in it, in the silly culture of it, the whole thing. I want to rewind my life and be 20 again and a full time student. I want the challenge of a full class load and the goofing off in the barracks dorms and the communal fear of the finals.

As I walked the campus with my usual perma-scowl on my face, going about the business of getting my ID card, parking pass, and books I soaked it all in. It was infectious. With all humility, I'm already pretty smart and I'm very proud of the education I've given myself through simple reading and living life, but the opportunity to learn more - to sit in a class with no other goal than to get smarter and to expand my knowledge and my skills is like a drug to me. I can't wait for my next fix.

I'm addicted.

Disposition: high Background Noise: Under My Thumb - The Rolling Stones Summary: life, school

I've had a rough two years.

The last two years have been pivotal for me in many ways. I can trace it all back to a very precise starting point, though seeds of it were planted long before. Regardless of the seeds, I can say that nothing has been right since McMillen died. From the moment I got that phone call in the middle of the night until this day, nothing has been right. You should know that this post is going to be about the ups and downs of life and may, at times, sound a lot like a pity party, but don't be confused - you won't find self pity here because I don't feel sorry for myself. Despite not feeling sorry for myself, I'll still be talking about things that have gone wrong and mistakes that have been made. Consider yourself warned.

I've felt what I've regarded as love for four women in my life. I've been infatuated with a woman here or there from time to time and lusted after many more, but that which I believe to be love, I've felt four times. Two of those loves I've married and sustained short marriages with, before those marriages caved in on themselves. Both of these failures are largely due to the massive strain that the weight of my personality brings to bear on all things that it encounters. I have a tendency to rend apart anything I focus too intently on, which is something I still don't know how to prevent or control. My other two loves have been very different, as neither were reciprocated for any period of time, if even their existence was known to the woman at all. Both are women I knew very well and shared some aspect of my life with for extended periods of time. Both are women who, at some point, opened up and gave a glimpse, or even a prolonged stare, into their souls revealing truly beautiful people. Allowing yourself to develop this extremely powerful emotion for another person does not entitle you to some story book chance at a relationship. So for reasons I won't bother with those two great loves stay hidden within me and that is where they'll eventually fade away to, much as all feelings for my first love, Mona, have ceased to exist as anything other than a memory.

Marriage is a funny subject for me. My attitude about it is so blasé because for me, it has no real meaning. Marriage is merely a declaration that two people don't intend to break up for the foreseeable future. It carries with it a nice tax break that makes joint filling a damn fine incentive to get married. Beyond those things, marriage means no more to me than dating or "really good friends." A wedding is fun, but only if you allow it to be (which most people don't). I would get married again, if I believed I'd have another relationship that developed that far, which I don't. Here is what I was talking about earlier, this isn't a pitiful cry of "woe is me as I am so unlovable" or any of that nonsense, this is a statement of fact about myself. I don't feel that I have the capacity to pursue a new relationship with a new person, to ride out all those ups and downs and the uncertainty (and the several failures that will result). It's too much of a stressor and one I can't see the point of at this stage in my life. Given the most accurate life expectancy data I can get [online], I'm roughly 41% through with my life and in just a few years more I'll be at the half way point. Though I'm not overly good at math in an academic sense, I have a brain for numbers and averages. If in 31 years (41% of life) I haven't found someone who can tolerate me and who I can, in turn, tolerate while sharing a mutual attraction, the odds are much slimmer that I'll meet that person in years to come. As people get older, less are single meaning less likelihood of that "special someone" being available if you meet them. After that, you have to account for the many people who aren't suitable for you that are in the pool, which is most of them. Then, when you meet one that might be, there are dozens of points of contention that can (and will) pop up when even considering merging two lives. The longer people live on their own and the older they get, the less likely it becomes that they are going to want to change or give up key aspects of their life for anyone. Nuance becomes the enemy and we all become more nuanced as we get older. So, that's why I say it's very likely that I spend the rest of my years alone and if you haven't figured out the reason, I'll sum it up for you neatly - my standards are too high and I'm getting too old and too comfortable to consider compromising them.

Compromise is something I've never been good at. I'm too smart (stubborn) to allow many other views to change my own, only a well prepared and presented position is likely to change my own; only when the facts that I believe are proven wrong will I change an opinion. I also find comfort in habit and routine and am not in a hurry to change it up for anyone; in short, I'm selfish. However, much to the surprise (I'd imagine) of great love number three (my second and most recent wife, Emily) I was ready, willing, and even planning on moving for great love number two. I saw the necessity and was ready to make the compromise that made sense. The facts supported the compromise in that case, so I had to give in, it was the only thing that made sense. However, great love number two couldn't see in me that special whatever and it was not meant to be. The honesty of that is very fair, you can't force yourself to feel something you don't. Of course I could have tried to fight it and change and be who or whatever it was she wanted, but that's not a compromise that makes sense; no, that's pandering and dishonest, plus would it really be you if you forced a change on yourself like that?

Relationships, romantic or otherwise, have always been difficult for me. I'm a particularly guarded and secretive person; people who know me in one setting have no idea what I'm like in another. Few people really understand just how secretive I am and most people, even several of you reading, have no idea about many of the things I keep hidden. I have friends I keep apart from each other so that one doesn't pass information to the other that I've decided that person shouldn't have. Many different people have many different pieces, but only a very few have the big picture. This is why inviting so many people to the house for a party is such a big deal to me, because many of the people I've worked so hard to keep apart will now be together and all of them will be in my home. The people being in the house is a very big deal for me, because seeing the house and how I live will let them see more of me than I've allowed most of them to see up to this point. Most will probably not understand that and most probably don't care anyway, but it's a big deal for me, regardless.

So, what does it all have to do with McMillen or these past two years? Well, as I drove the rental car up the coast with Emily, we both drove away from a life that we'd never see again. We depleted our savings (which have yet to recover) and we started down a path that would lead to our divorce. Of course, in hindsight we were missing a few key things that we needed to make that marriage last; we were close, but no cigar. Soon after we returned from New York, in the wake of a serious emotional blow that I had no idea how to deal with (and still don't) the marriage crumbled and in short order I was alone; now, two years later, I am still alone. It was partly due to my failing to maintain myself during my emotional crisis (one that I largely refused to acknowledge) and spiraling out of control, but it was also due to those other things that I mentioned, namely the key elements Emily and I were missing to make the relationship last; we were compatible, but not compatible enough.

Before I accepted and understood what was going on with my marriage and with my life I fell down very hard. As the months drug on my performance at work began to suffer. Something that was inside of me before McMillen's death and Emily's departure faded away. Whatever it was that I lost was key to my ability to do my job. I tried to fake it and to carry on but as I failed, the classroom suffered. Any failure in my field was at the expense of the children and it wasn't long before I was overcome with grief because of it. As things deteriorated further I seized an opportunity to leave the classroom. There are probably four or five key people that if they discussed my reasons for leaving would all have different answers, all told by me. Pretty much, I lied to everyone about it and only a few people ever heard the truth - that I just couldn't handle the job anymore. So I quit and then lied about it, saying it was for the money or for the house or whatever other excuses I gave, but it wasn't that. I quit because I couldn't do the job and I was bringing down the team with my negative attitude. My negative attitude at work has yet to improve, sadly. As I took on my new building wide responsibilities I became the all seeing eye of the building. I now watch abuses on a daily basis. Physical abuse, verbal abuse, negligence, dereliction of duties, incompetence, ineptitude, and indifference are all things that I see everyday. It eats me up and there is very little I can do to stop any of it. All of these horrible things I have seen poisoned me in the work place. It's only for the good that I see being done by the resilient few that keeps me going back, that and the noose around my neck of having to collect a pay check. So if I seem bitter it's because I am; the thing that made me good with the kids is gone and the cancer of abuse is eating away at my patience. This has caused me to trip a little bit on my road to recovery, but nothing is without it's challenges.

I'm not unhappy about the life I lead. I'm actually quite pleased with where I am and what I'm doing. There are regrets, but there always are. I've learned a lot and I've made a lot of growth in these two years. I feel very good about who I am now and the solitary life I lead, but don't think it was an easy road getting to a place were I could say that. All in all, either in print or aloud, this is the most honest I've ever been, even if I did leave out a hell of a lot of information and left a whole lot of holes in my story. But hey, one step at a time, right?

Accept the mystery.

Summary: emo, life, society, women, work